March 10: Hannity and Colmes Plan Ahead

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9:17 AM EST Monday March 10, 2008

I'mRightI'mHannity: Alan?

ColmesFox: Hey Sean

I'mRightI'mHannity: Have you seen the calendar?

ColmesFox: Yeah, I know, I know...
ColmesFox: After Mississippi, we're screwed for election results until April 22nd

I'mRightI'mHannity: Who the heck planned this?

ColmesFox: The political parties did

I'mRightI'mHannity: There ya' go...
I'mRightI'mHannity: What are we gonna do?

ColmesFox: Well,... there is the matter of the Virgin Islands on April 5th

I'mRightI'mHannity: So?

ColmesFox: I have an idea
ColmesFox: We do the show LIVE from the Virgin Islands

I'mRightI'mHannity: C'mon, Alan - Fox would never set-up our whole show in the Virgin Islands for one night of election returns

ColmesFox: You are correct - but that's not my idea

I'mRightI'mHannity: Elaborate for me

ColmesFox: The last of the pundits will rehash the Mississippi results Wednesday
ColmesFox: The viewers will THEN be tortured with hours of daily BS about Super Delegates and Pennsylvania
ColmesFox: Fox will EXPECT US to be part of that!

I'mRightI'mHannity: It's going to be just brutal on our ratings
I'mRightI'mHannity: People will watch Jeopardy instead...
I'mRightI'mHannity: You know, I have always thought Alex Trebeck is a Canadian socialist pig

ColmesFox: Stay with me, Sean

I'mRightI'mHannity: Sorry

ColmesFox: That's why we do something really special

I'mRightI'mHannity: Alan, if it's a good idea, I'm in

ColmesFox: O.k., we go to the Virgin Islands Wednesday and set-up the studio
ColmesFox: Starting Thursday we do the show as a "LIVE Virgin Islands Countdown" every day until the primary on April 5th

I'mRightI'mHannity: What about our Wednesday show?

ColmesFox: Greta can cover for us with one of her random college co-ed disappearance stories

I'mRightI'mHannity: But viewers would be expecting Mississippi election analysis

ColmesFox: Honestly, Sean - what's the difference?

I'mRightI'mHannity: Good point
I'mRightI'mHannity: Let's get back to your plan...

ColmesFox: Right. So, we grab viewer interest with clever teasers
ColmesFox: For example, "The Democratic race is so close, The Virgins could be the difference"
ColmesFox: "Obama vs. Clinton - Who's leading with Virgins?"
ColmesFox: "Who will carry the vote with Billionaire tax-cheat expatriots?"

I'mRightI'mHannity: Alan, this is simply brilliant!

ColmesFox: Can you see Dick Morris in a casual flowers shirt pontificating while sipping a tropical drink with an umbrella in it?

I'mRightI'mHannity: Not only can I picture that - I am getting thirsty myself!

ColmesFox: On top of it, we NEED and DESERVE a vacation

I'mRightI'mHannity: For once I agree with you 100%

ColmesFox: In my book, screwing off for a week should be a non-partisan effort!

I'mRightI'mHannity: Let the countdown begin!

ColmesFox: I have only 1 request...

I'mRightI'mHannity: What is it?

ColmesFox: No O'Reilly

I'mRightI'mHannity: Why?

ColmesFox: We don't want - and don't need - him doing No-Spin-Zone remotes with vacationers on those effing cruise ships

I'mRightI'mHannity: That's a valid concern

ColmesFox: And if Bill shows up, Covuto will want to show up and if Covuto shows up Greta will want to be there and and work-up some weird Aruba - Virgin Islands connection.

I'mRightI'mHannity: Calm down - I gotcha

ColmesFox: The only valid tag-along on our deal is Brit Hume. After all, he IS the Fox political reporter.

I'mRightI'mHannity: Totally agree with you

ColmesFox: I'll call the boss at 9:30 and pitch the concept

I'mRightI'mHannity: I'll call him at 9:45 and back you up

ColmesFox: Perfect!
ColmesFox: Wish me luck!

I'mRightI'mHannity: Good luck buddy!

ColmesFox: Did you just call me "buddy"?

I'mRightI'mHannity: Uhh,... yeah

ColmesFox: I am beginning to think that deep down, you care

I'mRightI'mHannity: I do Alan. We just disagree on some things.

ColmesFox: No argument

I'mRightI'mHannity: Now go close the deal!

ColmesFox: I'm on it!

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Feb 19: Colmes Seeks Out Teddy

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9:06 AM EST Tuesday February 19, 2008

ColmesFOX: Senator?

MassPatriarch: Hello Alan

ColmesFOX: Thanks for making time

MassPatriarch: Nice to be here
MassPatriarch: A big hello to your audience

ColmesFOX: Uh,.. Senator - this is IM

ColmesFOX: We're not on the air

MassPatriarch: My mistake

ColmesFOX: No problem

ColmesFOX: What's your reaction to Obama plagiarism issue?

MassPatriarch: Not sure there is an issue at all

ColmesFOX: Sure there is
ColmesFOX: The dynamic, amazing, "ready-on-day-one" Senator Clinton brought it up
ColmesFOX: The inexperienced, shallow, unqualified Senator Obama appears to have made a serious gaffe

MassPatriarch: I'm taken aback by your intriguing use of adjectives

ColmesFOX: Perhaps I was intoxicated with enthusiasm
ColmesFOX: Sorry, I veered off the road a bit

MassPatriarch: I know you lean toward Clinton

ColmesFOX: I didn't mean to drown you in descriptives

ColmesFOX: You were a helpless passenger as I want on a bit of a rant

MassPatriarch: Uh,...

ColmesFOX: Senator?

MassPatriarch: Still here

ColmesFOX: Uh,... o.k. ... getting back to the question

MassPatriarch: Look, there's no story here

ColmesFOX: Obama quoted Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick

MassPatriarch: And?

ColmesFOX: Sir, he did so without attribution

MassPatriarch: Yeah, so?

ColmesFOX: You don't see anything wrong with that?

MassPatriarch: Explain why I would

ColmesFOX: I was hoping you give me that answer

MassPatriarch: C'mon - Barack was quoting a fellow Democrat
MassPatriarch: A fellow African-American
MassPatriarch: Brothers in the quest to integrate American Politics
MassPatriarch: and, AHEM, Deval had NO PROBLEM with it

ColmesFOX: I guess I see the point
ColmesFOX: The Clinton people got me revved up

MassPatriarch: I think you mean hypnotized

ColmesFOX: perhaps...

MassPatriarch: Say, on another topic, I could use a favor
MassPatriarch: Can you get me Coulter's cell number?

ColmesFOX: What for?

MassPatriarch: She's hot

ColmesFOX: Do I understand this...
ColmesFOX: You want to ask her out?

MassPatriarch: It's worth a shot...

ColmesFOX: I'm really uncomfortable here

MassPatriarch: Don't be
MassPatriarch: It's simple, really...
MassPatriarch: I wouldn't pass up an opportunity to screw a Republican

ColmesFOX: I have to ignore that comment

MassPatriarch: Oh Alan, you are wound too tight
MassPatriarch: You should take a vacation and mellow out

ColmesFOX: You may have a point

MassPatriarch: Have a drink

ColmesFOX: I think I need one

MassPatriarch: Call if you need anything else

ColmesFOX: Thank you, Senator

MassPatriarch: The cell number?

ColmesFOX: I'll work on it

MassPatriarch: You know where to find me

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Jan 31: Colmes Needs a Fact Check

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9:00 AM EST Thursday January 31, 2008

ColmesFOX: Senator?

MassPatriarch: How did you get my IM?

ColmesFOX: Rupert's Spy Satellite

MassPatriarch: Forgot

ColmesFOX: I need some help

MassPatriarch: What's up?

ColmesFOX: We're running the Edward's Drop-out as Top Story
ColmesFOX: But effing Hannity is spinning "DNC disarray"
ColmesFOX: I want to get back to your endorsement of Obama

MassPatriarch: What do you need from me?

ColmesFOX: O.K. Hannity has a graphic comparing Obama's polling bounce with your weekly Chivas consumption.

MassPatriarch: Where on Earth do they get this?

ColmesFOX: It's a pretty standard conservative hit-angle, sir

MassPatriarch: You can categorically deny it is true.

ColmesFOX: That's no problem,... but how-so?

MassPatriarch: I am back to Crown Royal.

ColmesFOX: PERFECT!

MassPatriarch: We never spoke. You can't reference a source.

ColmesFOX: of course...

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