March 14: Cheney "Helps" Bernake

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11:03 AM EST Friday March 14, 2008

BehindTheCurtain: Mr. Bernake?

FedHead: I am quite busy Mr. Vice President, can this wait?

BehindTheCurtain: What's up?

FedHead: Bear Stearns is nearly bankrupt and we are trying to avoid a stock market crash

BehindTheCurtain: Welcome to my life

FedHead: I don't understand

BehindTheCurtain: I save the world every day...
BehindTheCurtain: Interested in any assistance?

FedHead: O.K. Dr. Evil, I could use some help

BehindTheCurtain: First, I don't appreciate that nickname
BehindTheCurtain: Second, the stock market solution is easy

FedHead: Sorry about the nickname - I'm listening

BehindTheCurtain: You need to inject money into the situation
BehindTheCurtain: Print a LOT of money

FedHead: How much?

BehindTheCurtain: A Milllllllllion Billlllllllion Dollllllllllllars!

FedHead: Isn't that inflationary?

BehindTheCurtain: Totally

FedHead: Well, I have to contain inflation AND hold interest rates

BehindTheCurtain: I see the conflict

FedHead: Under your plan either inflation goes up, up, up or interest rates go up

BehindTheCurtain: Ask yourself, which one doesn't matter?

FedHead: Well, inflation will make matters worse,
FedHead: But homes are not selling despite falling prices and low interest rates

BehindTheCurtain: So,...

FedHead: I raise interest rates to prevent inflation?

BehindTheCurtain: Nobody wants to see Budweiser cost as much as Heineken

FedHead: You drink Heineken?

BehindTheCurtain: No, but voters do

FedHead: I gotcha

BehindTheCurtain: As for Bear Stearns - they had it coming

FedHead: I kinda agree

BehindTheCurtain: I see it like this:
BehindTheCurtain: Bear Stearns is Iraq
BehindTheCurtain: They are screwed, blued and tatooed but there aint crap we can do about it

FedHead: o.k.......

BehindTheCurtain: J.P.Morgan is like Iran
BehindTheCurtain: They hate Iraq but they would take advantage of a situation if they could

FedHead: And buy Bear Stearns?

BehindTheCurtain: Exactly

FedHead: But together that's a bigger, smellier mess, isn't it?

BehindTheCurtain: It's like being in charge of sanitation in Iraq
BehindTheCurtain: You come to work every day and say to yourself: This is a crap job and I just don't know where to start

FedHead: I don't totally follow that but I see when needs to be done

BehindTheCurtain: Print money and bail-out the Bear, BUT stay on top of inflation

FedHead: Got it!

BehindTheCurtain: One thing, Ben...

FedHead: Wat's that?

BehindTheCurtain: If anyone asks, you need to say two things:
BehindTheCurtain: First, this is the "Bush-McCain America Plan"
BehindTheCurtain: Second, Hillary and Obama were not helpful and you had to go forward without them

FedHead: Not a problem
FedHead: Democrats don't understand economics anyway

BehindTheCurtain: Precisely!
BehindTheCurtain: You are starting to really understand
BehindTheCurtain: I will call you my "Little Evil Fed"

FedHead: Not sure I am ready for that, sir

BehindTheCurtain: Then this will be our little secret

FedHead: O.k.

BehindTheCurtain: Call if you need anything else

FedHead: Will-do

BehindTheCurtain: Bye...

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Feb 23: Cheney Starts Trouble

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9:11 AM EST Saturday February 23, 2008

SupremeLeader: Mr. Vice President Cheney?

BehindTheCurtain: Hello Prime Minister
BehindTheCurtain: Good to hear from you

SupremeLeader: How is life at your "undisclosed location?"
SupremeLeader: I hear Tahiti is nice at this time of year

BehindTheCurtain: How did you know where I am?

SupremeLeader: We both know more than we discuss

BehindTheCurtain: True,.. true...

SupremeLeader: So how is work?

BehindTheCurtain: Well, Bush is on vacation in Texas so I am on duty

SupremeLeader: What does that mean?

BehindTheCurtain: Well, essentially I am doing the work of one-and-a-half men

SupremeLeader: Ha, ha - American joke

BehindTheCurtain: So what's on your mind?

SupremeLeader: I got a call from Obama
SupremeLeader: He wants to just chat and get to know me

BehindTheCurtain: He is trying to show the US media he is up-to-speed internationally

SupremeLeader: I see
SupremeLeader: So, should I take the meeting with him?

BehindTheCurtain: I don't see why not
BehindTheCurtain: Now, please understand that Obama is an interesting character
BehindTheCurtain: Communicating with him often requires drama

SupremeLeader: How can I demonstrate this "drama"?

BehindTheCurtain: It's not difficult - but I am sure you will figure it out

SupremeLeader: Can you please tell me?

BehindTheCurtain: I'm pressed for time - and you are a smart man.

SupremeLeader: Even a smart man appreciates assistance...

BehindTheCurtain: Well, we could make a deal

SupremeLeader: What type of deal?

BehindTheCurtain: I tell you how to work with Obama and...
BehindTheCurtain: You give Halliburton the contract on a couple power plants

SupremeLeader: That is easy - consider it done!

BehindTheCurtain: Wonderful!
BehindTheCurtain: So, with Obama you must demonstrate power AND respect

SupremeLeader: I see

BehindTheCurtain: But demonstrating YOUR authority is most important

SupremeLeader: Of course

BehindTheCurtain: HOW you do that is important
BehindTheCurtain: You MUST do it in a way Obama understands

SupremeLeader: I follow you

BehindTheCurtain: There is a simple term used in his state

SupremeLeader: Chicago?

BehindTheCurtain: Close - actually it's Illinois

SupremeLeader: Sorry for the error
SupremeLeader: Our spy satellite photos don't have names of places or boundary lines on them
SupremeLeader: It's a real pisser.

BehindTheCurtain: I can understand that

SupremeLeader: Rand McNally does such a good job.
SupremeLeader: I interrupt KGB presentations to ask "What the hell are we looking at?"
SupremeLeader: Buildings, trees, streets, - the damn pictures could be anyplace!
SupremeLeader: We need names of streets, cities and locations of highway rest-stops

BehindTheCurtain: That's clearly a frustrating situation

SupremeLeader: You have no idea
SupremeLeader: I cleverly stole a Hertz map on a trip to Disneyworld with my family
SupremeLeader: I told the KGB intelligence chief - "JUST MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THIS."

BehindTheCurtain: You are quite wise and commanding
BehindTheCurtain: I fully appreciate your leadership style

SupremeLeader: Thank you very much!

BehindTheCurtain: Our CIA had the same problem
BehindTheCurtain: We have essentially shut down our spy satellite fleet

SupremeLeader: What?

BehindTheCurtain: Google maps is much better for this purpose
BehindTheCurtain: We have outsourced the entire surveillance program to them

SupremeLeader: Very interesting...
SupremeLeader: We will look into that immediately
SupremeLeader: Thanks for the tip

BehindTheCurtain: The secret website is: www.realtor.com
BehindTheCurtain: Ender the address and click "aerial view"

SupremeLeader: This will save me billions!

BehindTheCurtain: Glad to help a friend

SupremeLeader: So, back to Obama...

BehindTheCurtain: Right - There is a phase used in Illinois
BehindTheCurtain: Invoking it at the right moment should do the trick

SupremeLeader: What is this phrase?

BehindTheCurtain: "Duuuusshe Bahhhg!"

SupremeLeader: How is it used in a sentence?

BehindTheCurtain: All by itself - with appropriate tone of voice
BehindTheCurtain: HOW you act when you say it is important

SupremeLeader: What is the protocol?

BehindTheCurtain: When a key question comes up, just do the following

SupremeLeader: I am taking notes...

BehindTheCurtain: First, rub your eyes and exhale deeply
BehindTheCurtain: Then stand up
BehindTheCurtain: Point at Obama with a stern look on your face
BehindTheCurtain: Loudly say "Duuuusshe Bahhhg!" and slam you hand on the table
BehindTheCurtain: Then wait for his reaction

SupremeLeader: Just like that?

BehindTheCurtain: Yep

SupremeLeader: Thank you for the gracious help!
SupremeLeader: We will be faxing the contracts to Halliburton immediately

BehindTheCurtain: Anytime

SupremeLeader: Bye for now

BehindTheCurtain: Bye

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Feb 22: Obama and Cheney Confer

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2:18 PM EST Friday February 22, 2008

BigMo4DC: Mr. Vice President?

BehindTheCurtain: Hello Senator

BigMo4DC: I have a serious question

BehindTheCurtain: What about?

BigMo4DC: Foreign policy

BehindTheCurtain: Go for it

BigMo4DC: I want to meet with a foreign leader but it needs to be a significant country

BehindTheCurtain: What for?

BigMo4DC: Photo-Op

BehindTheCurtain: Try Italy or France

BigMo4DC: No, this needs to be a more significant country

BehindTheCurtain: How about Venezuela?
BehindTheCurtain: In fact, Bush Sr. and I could setup a multi-country tour.

BigMo4DC: Venezuela and what else?

BehindTheCurtain: We send you to Venezuela to demand Chavez stop screwing with Chevron and Exxon
BehindTheCurtain: Then you go to Columbia and tell them to control the cartels "or else"

BigMo4DC: I go personally to Venezuela and Columbia?

BehindTheCurtain: Well Chavez doesn't take you seriously unless you make the trip
BehindTheCurtain: and the Columbians tend to respond best in-person.

BigMo4DC: What about security?

BehindTheCurtain: You are practically a Presidential Candidate - what's the worst that could happen?

BigMo4DC: Uhh,... kidnapping... assassination

BehindTheCurtain: I wouldn't worry about assassination - you'd be much more valuable alive

BigMo4DC: But still, I don't want to be kidnapped

BehindTheCurtain: Com'on if, if, if that ever happened...
BehindTheCurtain: President McCain would eventually get you back
BehindTheCurtain: It would be a top priority after the inauguration
BehindTheCurtain: ...maybe second to tax-cuts, but certainly high on the list

BigMo4DC: Uh,... Let's ditch the Latin American idea
BigMo4DC: What about Russia?

BehindTheCurtain: Hmm,... Putin is a tough guy

BigMo4DC: We could meet somewhere in Europe
BigMo4DC: Just a photo op

BehindTheCurtain: Maybe you get luck and a foreign leader dies

BigMo4DC: But you never know when that will happen

BehindTheCurtain: I can call the CIA and check the assassination calendar
BehindTheCurtain: Maybe something is coming up

BigMo4DC: WHAT?!?!

BehindTheCurtain: Just leave it to me
BehindTheCurtain: I'll see what I can do

BigMo4DC: Uh,... thanks, I think

BehindTheCurtain: Anytime, Senator

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