March 3: Bush Congratulates Putin

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11:24 AM EST Monday March 3, 2008

Bush43: Hiya Vlad!

SupremeLeader: Hello Bush

Bush43: Congratulations on the election
Bush43: You're guy won

SupremeLeader: Yes, I knew he -
SupremeLeader: oops
SupremeLeader: I am GLAD he won

Bush43: What's his name - Medivac, Medicare?

SupremeLeader: Medvedev!
SupremeLeader: Dmitry Medvedev

Bush43: Whatever...
Bush43: Looks like he needs to buy a vowel

SupremeLeader: What?

Bush43: Missin' an 'i' in his first name - Dimitry

SupremeLeader: No he's not...
SupremeLeader: thank you for understanding our language

Bush43: Hey, no problem

SupremeLeader: Uhh,... not a compliment
SupremeLeader: I am a bit offended, actually

Bush43: Really?
Bush43: Here I go to the trouble to reach out?

SupremeLeader: Doesn't matter
SupremeLeader: Like many Americans, you are impolite
SupremeLeader: Maybe you should go back to getting David Bowie's wife drunk

Bush43: Excuse me?

SupremeLeader: Our intelligence reports say you are trying to get Iran bombed

Bush43: You dork!

SupremeLeader: Do not insult me!

Bush43: David Bowie's wife is not Iran!
Bush43: I believe it is Yemen

SupremeLeader: Seriously?

Bush43: Go Gooble it and see for yourself

SupremeLeader: You mean Gookul it?

Bush43: Maybe that's it

SupremeLeader: Sorry
SupremeLeader: All this time I thought you were trying to pickup a musician's wife

Bush43: Maybe my predidsessor would have done that

SupremeLeader: Oh, Clinton

Bush43: That's him

SupremeLeader: We saw he met Carly Simon on Kennedy's island

Bush43: That foots with the CIA report

SupremeLeader: Foots?

Bush43: We herd the same thing
Bush43: Anyway - I was honestly reachin' out to say congratulations

SupremeLeader: Thank you very much

Bush43: If there's anything I can do for you, let me know

SupremeLeader: Maybe one thing
SupremeLeader: Kind of personal

Bush43: What is it?

SupremeLeader: Russian condoms are of poor quality

Bush43: Like your cars?

SupremeLeader: Don't push it, George

Bush43: Sorry

SupremeLeader: Could you arrange to have American condoms shipped to Moscow?

Bush43: Well, the State Department can do just about anything

SupremeLeader: Great
SupremeLeader: I would order them online but I don't want to risk getting spam to my e-mail address

Bush43: I understand
Bush43: How many?

SupremeLeader: I need 7 dozen to last a month

Bush43: You are an active boy

SupremeLeader: It relieves stress and the election has been hell on my nerves

Bush43: Tell me about it

SupremeLeader: Well, it all started when my term was up...

Bush43: NO, NO, NO - that's just a figure of speech
Bush43: Don't tell me about the election

SupremeLeader: Back to the condoms

Bush43: So, 7 dozen to the Kremil in Moscow?

SupremeLeader: That's Kremlin - but don't ship them there
SupremeLeader: Please send them to my house outside Moscow

Bush43: What's the address?

SupremeLeader: Your CIA has it
SupremeLeader: The USS Roosevelt has ICBM missile 015486-B currently aimed at it

Bush43: Of course, of course...
Bush43: I forgot

SupremeLeader: Can they wrap the package in a plain brown paper?

Bush43: Not a problem

SupremeLeader: One thing...

Bush43: ?

SupremeLeader: I need a special size
SupremeLeader: 10 inches long by 6 inches wide

Bush43: Wow -
Bush43: But that's not a problem

SupremeLeader: Will the size require a custom order?

Bush43: Nah,
Bush43: In the USA we call that a "medium"

SupremeLeader: Really?

Bush43: Pretty much

SupremeLeader: Thanks for the help with a sensitive topic

Bush43: No problem
Bush43: I hope You and Dmitry have a nice time

SupremeLeader: WHAT?

Bush43: Just messin' with ya, Vlad
Bush43: Glad to help

SupremeLeader: Thanks

Bush43: Bye

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Feb 23: Cheney Starts Trouble

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9:11 AM EST Saturday February 23, 2008

SupremeLeader: Mr. Vice President Cheney?

BehindTheCurtain: Hello Prime Minister
BehindTheCurtain: Good to hear from you

SupremeLeader: How is life at your "undisclosed location?"
SupremeLeader: I hear Tahiti is nice at this time of year

BehindTheCurtain: How did you know where I am?

SupremeLeader: We both know more than we discuss

BehindTheCurtain: True,.. true...

SupremeLeader: So how is work?

BehindTheCurtain: Well, Bush is on vacation in Texas so I am on duty

SupremeLeader: What does that mean?

BehindTheCurtain: Well, essentially I am doing the work of one-and-a-half men

SupremeLeader: Ha, ha - American joke

BehindTheCurtain: So what's on your mind?

SupremeLeader: I got a call from Obama
SupremeLeader: He wants to just chat and get to know me

BehindTheCurtain: He is trying to show the US media he is up-to-speed internationally

SupremeLeader: I see
SupremeLeader: So, should I take the meeting with him?

BehindTheCurtain: I don't see why not
BehindTheCurtain: Now, please understand that Obama is an interesting character
BehindTheCurtain: Communicating with him often requires drama

SupremeLeader: How can I demonstrate this "drama"?

BehindTheCurtain: It's not difficult - but I am sure you will figure it out

SupremeLeader: Can you please tell me?

BehindTheCurtain: I'm pressed for time - and you are a smart man.

SupremeLeader: Even a smart man appreciates assistance...

BehindTheCurtain: Well, we could make a deal

SupremeLeader: What type of deal?

BehindTheCurtain: I tell you how to work with Obama and...
BehindTheCurtain: You give Halliburton the contract on a couple power plants

SupremeLeader: That is easy - consider it done!

BehindTheCurtain: Wonderful!
BehindTheCurtain: So, with Obama you must demonstrate power AND respect

SupremeLeader: I see

BehindTheCurtain: But demonstrating YOUR authority is most important

SupremeLeader: Of course

BehindTheCurtain: HOW you do that is important
BehindTheCurtain: You MUST do it in a way Obama understands

SupremeLeader: I follow you

BehindTheCurtain: There is a simple term used in his state

SupremeLeader: Chicago?

BehindTheCurtain: Close - actually it's Illinois

SupremeLeader: Sorry for the error
SupremeLeader: Our spy satellite photos don't have names of places or boundary lines on them
SupremeLeader: It's a real pisser.

BehindTheCurtain: I can understand that

SupremeLeader: Rand McNally does such a good job.
SupremeLeader: I interrupt KGB presentations to ask "What the hell are we looking at?"
SupremeLeader: Buildings, trees, streets, - the damn pictures could be anyplace!
SupremeLeader: We need names of streets, cities and locations of highway rest-stops

BehindTheCurtain: That's clearly a frustrating situation

SupremeLeader: You have no idea
SupremeLeader: I cleverly stole a Hertz map on a trip to Disneyworld with my family
SupremeLeader: I told the KGB intelligence chief - "JUST MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THIS."

BehindTheCurtain: You are quite wise and commanding
BehindTheCurtain: I fully appreciate your leadership style

SupremeLeader: Thank you very much!

BehindTheCurtain: Our CIA had the same problem
BehindTheCurtain: We have essentially shut down our spy satellite fleet

SupremeLeader: What?

BehindTheCurtain: Google maps is much better for this purpose
BehindTheCurtain: We have outsourced the entire surveillance program to them

SupremeLeader: Very interesting...
SupremeLeader: We will look into that immediately
SupremeLeader: Thanks for the tip

BehindTheCurtain: The secret website is: www.realtor.com
BehindTheCurtain: Ender the address and click "aerial view"

SupremeLeader: This will save me billions!

BehindTheCurtain: Glad to help a friend

SupremeLeader: So, back to Obama...

BehindTheCurtain: Right - There is a phase used in Illinois
BehindTheCurtain: Invoking it at the right moment should do the trick

SupremeLeader: What is this phrase?

BehindTheCurtain: "Duuuusshe Bahhhg!"

SupremeLeader: How is it used in a sentence?

BehindTheCurtain: All by itself - with appropriate tone of voice
BehindTheCurtain: HOW you act when you say it is important

SupremeLeader: What is the protocol?

BehindTheCurtain: When a key question comes up, just do the following

SupremeLeader: I am taking notes...

BehindTheCurtain: First, rub your eyes and exhale deeply
BehindTheCurtain: Then stand up
BehindTheCurtain: Point at Obama with a stern look on your face
BehindTheCurtain: Loudly say "Duuuusshe Bahhhg!" and slam you hand on the table
BehindTheCurtain: Then wait for his reaction

SupremeLeader: Just like that?

BehindTheCurtain: Yep

SupremeLeader: Thank you for the gracious help!
SupremeLeader: We will be faxing the contracts to Halliburton immediately

BehindTheCurtain: Anytime

SupremeLeader: Bye for now

BehindTheCurtain: Bye

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